Who Gets to Decide Who You Become?

You Do. One Choice at a Time.

If our identities are shaped by our experiences, traits, beliefs, and values, who decides who we become?

For me, I thought the answer was evident. It was my parents, my childhood, my experiences, the people who encouraged me, the people who hurt me. It was the opportunities I had and the mistakes I made. But perhaps the greatest influence came from the roles and responsibilities I assigned myself.

One of the most thought-provoking exercises my coach introduced was identifying my personal values. At first, I thought, “I know this – determination, resilience, remaining strong, building relationships, staying healthy.” By then, it had become painfully clear that my roles no longer defined me. I was retired, grieving, and without the identity those roles had given me. I felt stuck. Lost. If my roles no longer told me who I was, then what did?

What I did not fully understand was how my values influenced the choices I made, and how those choices shaped the person I became. The more I considered my values, not as words on paper, but as a compass for the choices I was making, the more I realized I wasn't confident that my daily choices reflected the values that I wanted to shape my identity.

Sometimes we say we value something simply because we think we should.

Sometimes we value what we've been taught to value.

We often confuse what we admire with what we actually value.

We say we value our health, but we don’t pay attention to our health until something goes wrong.

We say we value relationships, but avoid difficult conversations, maintain our assumptions, and ignore the results of miscommunication.

We say we value ourselves...but apologize every time we choose ourselves.

I realized I had spent much of my life reacting to circumstances instead of intentionally creating the Me I wanted to BE. It wasn't enough to ask myself what I believed my values to be. I had to ask myself what my life was actually demonstrating.

Life reveals what we truly value by where we consistently spend our time, energy, and attention.

There's a difference.

Who decides who I am and who I become now?

For much of my life, one of the values I held most deeply was caring for the people in my life. Looking back, I realized I didn't understand where caring for others ended, and self-sacrifice began. My boundaries were unclear because my sense of worth often depended on how other people responded to me.

For years, I described myself as determined, resilient, and strong. Looking back, I realized those qualities often came from trying to protect myself rather than truly believing in myself. My inner dialogue sounded more like, "Oh, you think I can't? Watch me." The problem was that every victory was temporary. Once the challenge was over, the uncertainty returned until the next opportunity to prove myself appeared.

Negative comments about my weight were accepted as fact because I was already thinking about my weight as a problem. The initiative I took to become more active was driven by embarrassment rather than by a true appreciation of healthy living.

These beliefs shaped my life and my responses to the world around me. I rarely took time to consider what drove these beliefs. I did not see how these beliefs distorted my understanding of my own values, or more importantly, my own worth. And to be honest, I still struggle with this now and then as life continues to present new challenges.

Joining a mixed martial arts class became one of the first choices I truly made for myself. I wasn't trying to prove something, earn approval, or meet someone else's expectations. It challenged me in a way that made me feel alive. I discovered that I loved learning new skills, pushing my limits, and realizing I was capable of more than I'd believed.

Losing my son changed everything. It created a new reality I never imagined I'd have to live. I couldn't prevent what happened, but I can choose how I carry my grief forward. Every single day, I have opportunities to choose whether my next step reflects despair or hope, fear or courage, survival or growth.

To this day, I still wrestle with what healthy living means in my own life. I know it's important to me, yet I continue asking myself what healthy living truly looks like for me, not what others expect it to look like. As my life changes, so does my understanding. That's why I'm learning to rely less on motivation and more on the systems and structure that support the life I want to build.

Identity is not only something to be discovered; it’s something we create.

Every conversation.

Every boundary.

Every meal.

Every workout.

Every apology.

Every act of courage.

Every difficult decision.

Every choice is evidence of who we are and who we're becoming.

None of us gets it right every day. I certainly don't.

But every morning we are given another opportunity to choose who we want to be.

After all, life reveals what we truly value by where we consistently spend our time, energy, and attention.

Who gets to decide who you become?

You do.

One choice at a time.